[Excerpt from the discussion session with Javed Ahmed Ghamidi]
In our society, parents are often worried about the religious and moral upbringing of their children. When children reach the age of puberty, the parents’ concerns grow even more. They wish for their children to follow religious teachings, pray regularly, fast, and recite the Qur’an. Similarly, they desire for their children to adopt virtuous habits, avoid bad behaviors, and take their responsibilities seriously. To instill these qualities in their children, they generally adopt a method of strictness and compulsion. The reason for this might be that they believe compulsion is the only way for upbringing and reform. It is generally observed that after adopting this method of reform, three types of outcomes emerge considering the different natures of children and varying circumstances.
One outcome of this approach is that some mild-natured children suppress their own personalities. They adopt actions and practices that neither become a part of their conscious understanding nor align with their interests and enthusiasm. They diligently perform religious obligations such as prayer and fasting at the command of their parents, but there is no force of awareness or intention behind these actions. They grow beards and wear specific types of clothing, yet a sense of disinterest and reluctance prevails in their attitude toward these practices. In this situation, their zest for life, their passion for achieving something meaningful, and their drive to excel are almost entirely extinguished.
The second result of this is that some children with a sharp temperament adopt a rebellious attitude. They refuse to act upon things that their hearts and minds have not accepted. They clearly state that matters of religion and morality are merely outdated speeches, and they cannot shape their lives according to them. In response to the strictness from parents, they develop a psychology of reaction where stubbornness and rebelliousness become part of their nature. At times, they even refuse to accept things that their own intellect deems entirely correct.
Its third outcome is that some children with moderate temperaments adopt a hypocritical attitude. In the presence of their parents, they behave according to their parents’ wishes, but in their absence, they act according to their own desires. The parents assume that their children are leading a particular religious and moral life, but the reality is quite the opposite.
None of these three outcomes bear positive effects. Each of these outcomes not only impedes the moral development of children but also adversely affects their mental and physical health.
If looked at with fairness, the truth is that there is no fault of the children in this matter. The fundamental mistake lies in the parents’ method of upbringing. Allah the Almighty has created humans in such a way that they first incorporate something into their mind, thought, consciousness, and will, and then act according to it. The method of blindly following commands is something Allah has reserved for animals, which simply turn in the direction they are driven. In the case of humans, they accept something through two means: one is the path of reasoning, and the other is the path of emotions. This is precisely why the Prophets always addressed the intellect of people and knocked at the doors of their hearts.
If parents truly wish to nurture their children, it is essential that they completely abandon their old methods. For this purpose, they must ensure that whatever religious and moral qualities they want to cultivate in their children first become a part of their consciousness. They should abandon all methods of harshness, coercion, pressure, force, and compulsion. They should enhance their children’s knowledge and understanding. They must adhere to Socrates’ principle that access to right action can only be achieved through right knowledge. Alongside this, they should also ensure that children spend as much time as possible in good company. They should provide them with such a pure environment that children gradually embrace purity without even realizing it. This is the only way for the training and reform of children. Any other path chosen will lead to nothing but suffocation, rebellion, or hypocrisy in the household atmosphere.